“My 12-year-old REALLY wanted to go school shopping last night, new shoes, sweatpants and school supplies. I REALLY did not want to go shopping after a long day at work, finally coming home, etc. So we were sitting on the couch and he showed me on the laptop the shoes he was interested in … then he called a shoe store and they didn’t carry those, even though their online store did. So it turned out that we ordered his shoes online, searched and found a 20% off coupon which more than covered the shipping. Then we went to staples.com and bought his school supplies. I missed touching all the paper products, for sure, but it was so simple and sane. We could compare prices, we didn’t impulse buy because we weren’t tempted like we are in a store — we got just what we planned on getting and had a nice time together doing it.

• We saved money. I taught him how to look for coupons and price compare.
• We didn’t run around, stress out.
• We still kept it a “sharing” thing — I didn’t just do it, he was checking things off his list, choosing colors.
• We didn’t buy things we didn’t need.

Another colleague added a further “sanity saver.”  Along this line is a website called shopittome.com and the technology from RSSCheck. You tell them the things you are looking for, i.e. deals,  and that is what pops up.”

These moms know how to use technology to teach their kids “smart shopping” as well as save their sanity in these busy days.

-Dr. Dave

National Institute on Media and the Family

But I was reminded this past weekend of another opportunity to share family time – job time. We were clearing and washing the dishes from our family gathering  when I realized that I was talking differently with my daughter-in-law, than in the previous hour. We were working together and I realized we were sharing the every day stuff of life.

We can do this with our kids too. Modern conveniences, as much as we all love them, can take away opportunities to just work together. Washing dishes is such a one-person, one-machine job now. I’m not advocating throwing out your dishwasher, but try to find jobs that you can do together. Maybe it is washing and drying the dishes by hand, folding clothes, washing a few windows or the car, making a meal together, weeding, or dusting. There are lots of tasks that need to be done to keep a home in shape. Include your kids, do the work with them, slow down and chat. You can make any job more fun. Our More, Easy, Fast and Fun culture has done a great job of telling us that work is not enjoyable and should be minimized as much as possible. But we miss a great opportunity if the traditional fun time is the only time we connect with our kids.  At the National Institute on Media and the Family we supply tips and tools for quality family time.

What jobs can you do with your kids?

Dr. Dave

The second article explained the first: “Media and Risky Behaviors,” published in the Future of Children Journal in the spring of 2008. the connection between the two is the effects of media on teen behavior. Basically, more often than we think, what many teens see, they do.

Neurosurgeons began seeing the rise of head injuries in their operating rooms and saw a link between teen car surfing activity and the media depicting these stunts in Grand Theft Auto video games, YouTube videos, and the movie and video game version, Jackass. Soledad Esobar-Chaves and Craig Anderson linked many other unhealthy behaviors: smoking, obesity, violence and drinking to the media that teens are spending more and more time with every day.

My book: Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen explains the brain science, but it’s up to us to get the MediaWise message to teens and challenge them with healthier thrills that won’t kill them.

What are healthier challenges your teens try?

-Dr. Dave

They are equipping themselves with 21st century skills, both in the use of digital media and understanding the lessons of Say Yes to No. Here’s what they had to say about the interview:

Dr. David Walsh is a psychologist, bestselling author, and nationally known parenting expert. He is the founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family. He is also very nice and generous, he sent us autographed copies of both of his books, “No” and “Why Do They Act That Way?”  The books are for parents, not kids, but our mom read us some stories out of his book and we talked about them. We read a story about a dad in a store and his 3-year old son wanted a candy bar. The dad said, “no,” but the boy kept asking. Then the boy cried and screamed a lot and finally the dad gave in and the boy got 3 candy bars, instead of none. My mom said we all have a 3-year old inside our brains and it is our parent’s job to teach us how to make our 3-year old mind. Otherwise, when we grow up, we will eat lots of junk and get sick to our stomachs all the time, and buy toys instead of paying our bills, and play outside instead of going to work. No good!

With a parent in tune with Say Yes to No, these kids will have the brain power for success.

Do you have a Say Yes to No story?

-Dr. Dave

Lighting up a cigarette is a ticket to an avalanche of health problems – death being the most permanent. But for a teen, especially a teen who watches movies where characters smoke, the cool factor is often too hard to resist. If you’re like me you might flinch when you see a film actor light one up, but according to a study published in the latest issue of Pediatrics: “Adolescent Smoking: Who Matters More, Good Guys or Bad Guys?” , teens who see movie characters smoke – whether they are “good guys or bad guys” – are more likely to start smoking themselves.

Kids learn by imitating from the day they are born and the power of media to influence behavior is well known.  Don’t ever think that we’ve won the battle against smoking no matter how many resturants are smoke free, as long as the movie media lets their characters light up and puff away.  Teens are watching.

Here are four ways parents can intervene:

1.  If you are watching a movie and a character lights up – say something.

2. Talk to your kids when they are young about smoking and what it does to people’s lungs and bodies.  Get them to think about it.

3.  Avoid older movies where smoking is even more prevalent.

4. Teens don’t like preaching about smoking – but let teens know that they will face a choice whether to light up or not.  Help them think about that choice before they are faced with it.

Do you have any more tips on how to prevent teen smoking?

-Dr. Dave

Parents on the lookout for ways to balance their children’s real world experiences with online experiences have a new videogame from national zoos and the folks who study wolves for a living.  You can take on the persona of a wolf in Yellowstone National Park and learn what it means to survive.  Wolfquest was produced to entice kids back to learning about the world they live in, maybe even to be interested in wolf conservation.

The trick is to get the balance: real world and online world. Kids will always be attracted to adventure. Online adventure is easy and fun.  Real world adventure takes more imagination, sometimes. But it will also wire into kids’ brains experiences that will enable them to make sense of the world beyond their videogame set.

So it’s summertime, make sure your kids get the outdoor time they need to build their bodies and their brains.  Some parents even pack the video game system away for the summer. If you don’t do that then try the free download of Wolfquest -  maybe it will spark a further interest in one of the our country’s most interesting predators.

How do you balance your child’s real world and online world?

-Dr. Dave

This isn’t to say that young people aren’t a product of a unique digital age. Right now, more then ever, the media universe is expanding for young people and adults alike. No matter which way you cut the data, young people spend more time consuming media than any other activity except for sleeping. Which means that we better play close attention to the powerful role of screens in all of our lives.

Perhaps most importantly, the Nielson report reminds us that the ‘digital divide’ separating adults and media-savvy teens may not be as wide or as difficult to cross as we think it is. Teens may be multi-media communicators and professional multi-taskers, but on average, their media choices are not always as far afield as it sometimes feels. So if you feel like a digital immigrant in a world of young digital natives, remember that at the end of the day, there are plenty of ways find a common language.

Five tips for crossing the digital divide:

1. Don’t be intimidated by emerging technologies. Many young people learn by exploring and trying out new media. Give it a try yourself! Ask a young person to teach you.

2. Keep the lines of communication open. Make sure to have conversations with young people in your life about what they are watching, playing, and listening to. Ask specific questions and engage in thoughtful conversation.

3. Host a family game night. Pick age appropriate games and play together as a family. Let your kids invite their friends!

4. Steer your kids towards sites, activities, and tools that fit their interests and your family’s values. Complement screen time with time ‘off line.’ For example, practice your soccer moves online and then go outside to see if you can do the real thing!

5. Keep things in balance – set limits on screen time and stick to them. For example, create “media free zones” during certain times like family dinner so that you have time to talk and connect with one another.

For the last twelve years graduates have had to come up with answers. They’ve had to multiply, divide, use theorems, search for reasons in history classes, search for meaning in English classes, spell the words right, create the projects.

Now at graduation, it’s time to turn to asking questions. For questions are more important than answers. The reason is, is that our brains are built to search for answers to questions. Have you ever had the experience of trying to think of someone’s name, can’t remember it, but hours later the name just pops into your mind? All that time, without your conscious attention, your brain was searching for the answer to that question. This happens all the time and we can use this brain power to make a profound change in how we engage with life each day.

If I get up in the morning and my first question is: “What lousy things are going to happen today?”, I’ll spend the entire day looking for lousy things. Whereas if my question is: “What good thing will happen today?” I will constantly search for and notice the good things that happen to me. Unexpected things, sometimes little, sometimes big, but good things that will work to set my feelings about myself and the world I live in. Having our brains looking for the good things also gives us some resiliency when the inevitable bad things happen – we can cope better.

Maybe your question will be: “Who’s the most interesting person I will meet today?” If it is then your brain will spend the entire day constantly looking for the best in other people. So, life can be much richer if only we ask the right questions.

What’s your question for your brain each morning?

Dr. Dave

So we’ve got adults ignoring their partners and children, and kids who are ignoring their parents and siblings!  Sounds like a rooming house instead of a home.  Families are the crucibles where adults and children learn how to give and receive love, kindness, trust, support, joy, and work through anger, loss, and embarrassment, to just name a few.  The tangibles of family life – food, shelter, etc. are just structures we can build anywhere. The real function of families, which come in all sizes and shapes, is to serve as the emotional cradle…the place where children learn how to emotionally relate to other people and adults can continue to grow emotionally and live an authentic human life.

At a recent talk a state patrol officer related an observation: the new recruits coming on to the force were young and smart, but many lacked the ability to read social cues.  They just didn’t have the ability to “read” other people. Some professionals who work with kids report the same phenomena.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, read and manage emotions.  Does out of balance Internet use interfere developing an Emotional IQ?  I think so.  Learning to deal with real emotions requires living, working and playing with real people.  Online interactions, friends and support groups are important and supportive for many.  Online  game playing can be fun. When they become more important over time then the real people we live with, families will suffer.

Check out the National Institute on Media and the Family’s free MediaWise Guides on the risks and rewards of social networking as well as our guide on video game addiction for tips and information on Internet use.

Do you ever feel ignored in your family because of someone’s Internet use?

-Dr. Dave

I got to see, first hand, the digital environment in South Korea – the most wired country in the world. The upside was that through wireless technology and your cell phone, information is available anywhere, anytime, anyplace. The downside was how to keep the real world and the digital world in balance.  The unbalance world is video game addiction or people walking down the street always looking down at their computer and never seeing the real people who pass them by or a family at home, but not ever together.

A PBS producer comments in Digital Nation that he hopes that our impulse to be human is so intrinsic to who we are that we will never loose our core human values and that we will be able to cope and manage this new world.  At the National Institute on Media and the Family we believe that who we are is wired into our brains a great deal from our experiences.  The parent’s job has never been more important.  From birth our children are wiring in the people they will become. The digital world is intrinsically powerful and enticing – our brains are hard wired to seek novelty, stimulation and to learn.  It’s what’s kept us going as a species for thousands of years.

We can control our environment in the digital world, the real world is harder to control.  In this era of “disruptive technology”  – an era where technology profoundly changes everything, we must learn, and teach our children, to live in both worlds.  Core human values, core character traits and how to balance the digital and real world  have to be learned.  The media are powerful.  Our work with   Say Yes to No and MediaWise gives parents and those who love and work with children the  practical strategies to succeed.

How is digital technology changing or challenging your life?

-Dr. Dave